The Trevelyan Tale
by Cybertramon001
Summary: When Inquisitor Bethany Trevelyan was invited to a game of Wicked Grace, she never expected she'd end up telling of her most bizarre battle in the Fade. And therefore breaking the first rule of mages. What happens in the Fade, stays in the Fade. Rated M for nudity.


The Trevelyan Tale

**Hey there. This is a one-shot based on the scene in Dragon Age Inquisition where everyone takes part in Wicked Grace. During the scene, at one point your character can tell a hilarious story. Sadly, all we get to hear is how it sort of begins and the fact that no one would ever speak of it again. It's apparently scandalous enough that Josephine believes it would ruin the Inquisition if it ever got out, yet they all still find it completely hilarious. They probably left it blank because they wouldn't be able to come up with anything that would match our expectations. So I've decided to make up my own version, simply based on what the female Human mage started with.**

**Enjoy.**

"…The poor recruit ran out into the dining hall in nothing but his knickers." Cullen was entertaining everyone with a tale from his days back in the Templars. "And this… profound silence fell over the hall as seventy mages and thirty Templars all turned to stare at once. Then a slow round of applause began. And spread until every soul was on their feet. A standing ovation."

Josephine, the Inquisition's Ambassador and diplomat, snorted as she tried to cover her laugh. "What did he do?" She asked.

"Saluted, turned on his heel, and marched out like he was in full armour." At this everyone at the table started laughing loudly.

"He did not." Seeker Casandra, voted 'most frowning member of the Inquisition' seven times, asked in amazement.

"Good man." Dorian the Tevinter mage congratulated, impressed by the story. Iron Bull, their resident Qunari mercenary, laughed and slapped the table.

"You're shitting us." He said, as if he could never believe such a thing.

"That's how you _know_ it's true." Varric, Merchant dwarf and writer, answered him. "I could never put that in a book. Too unlikely."

The Inquisitor, Bethany Trevelyan, smiled as a glint appeared in her eye. "I've got one for you." She said, feeling like it would be a great idea to share with her friends. "It was the night of my Harrowing. I was standing in a room filled with Templars and senior enchanters. As the Knight Commander read me the chant, I got a nagging feeling something was missing. But for the life of me I couldn't remember it. Even when the Commander stepped aside and led me to the circle I still couldn't remember what it was. I was pretty sure that if it had been important I would've had someone notice for me, so I started the ritual anyway. The first thing I saw when I arrived in the Fade was a baby wearing a red cap, riding on the back of a large bloated green Deepstalker. It was jumping around, shooting eggs from its mouth at walking mushrooms."

"Was your task chasing down such a strange creature?" Cassandra asked her.

"All I had been told was that there was – and I quote – 'a great big bloody demon who wants to wear you like a coat. Find it, get past the traps, kick it in the balls and come back here. If you fail, then at least you'll be dead shortly.' And given that it was moving along the wall, I had no idea how to follow it. So I continued down the path before me. As I reached a tunnel, I heard the most horrific roars echoing from within it. Readying my magic, I had to admit I was worried I ran into a Pride Demon at first. The roars got louder and louder as it got closer and closer. I had a fireball all ready to burn, and out of the tunnel comes…

A little rabbit."

"That's it? A rabbit?" Dorian asked her, sounding annoyed. "_My_ Harrowing had three Desire Demons trying to rip my clothes off. Along with my skin. _And_ I ended up facing their leader in nothing but my knickers. Some people get all the luck."

"I'm not finished, Dorian. Now, one of the first things the Enchanters teach you is that nothing is what it seems in the Fade. For all I knew, the rabbit was going to turn into a giant Ogre, or a dragon. But then it started nibbling at a lyrium vein like it was a bloody carrot. It was utterly adorable. I couldn't resist scratching at its ears. But even as I did that, the ground started shaking. I stood to attention again, readying my spells once more… as a giant wave of rabbits came rushing at me like some sort of flash flood. I could only scream for a moment before they washed over me, dragging me along in their wake. I could feel their teeth tearing at my robe, and they were nuzzling the most awkward places. I grabbed hold of any rock I could, but you try holding onto something when you've got thousands of rabbits hammering you. No matter what I tried, I couldn't stop myself from being swept into a giant gaping hole in the ground. I must've blacked out at some point, because when I came to I was lying on the ground wearing what turned out to be undergarments made from the rabbits. They were holding on tightly enough to give me a wedge up something fierce."

"Better not let Vivienne hear about this. Otherwise the Orleisan Nobles will be going around in rabbit-skin underwear." Blackwall the Grey Warden joked.

"Well without my staff or my robes I was a bit more helpless than when I started. But I worked hard to get where I was, and I wasn't going to wait another year to become a full-fledged mage just because I ran into a slight hiccup. I marched right out of that pit in hopes of finding a demon and beating it. As I reached the edge of the pit, I overheard three ladies arguing. One was going on about how dicks were the best part, while another argued that asses were what all people wanted. And the third was going on and on about breasts. Obviously I had run into a trio of Desire Demons. I tried to sneak away, but this big burly man dressed in what appeared to be a very tiny pink skirt ran right into me. And let me tell you, nothing shocks you quite like running into a giant of a man calling himself 'a pretty pretty princess of light and cookies in a high-pitched voice."

"I don't know. There was that time when Hawke got hired by a crossdressing dwarf so that Anders could turn his dick into seeds. His plan was to plant them in elf forests, and then having the elven ladies sleep with them. Complete nutter that guy. Made me almost ashamed to be the same species as him." Varric replied.

"So anyway, there I was. Out in the open without a weapon, being watched by three Desire Demons. No actually, it was two. The third one had run off after the man demanding he sleep with her sisters. She was even swinging around this giant wooden hammer playing the strangest music and hammering the ground while her legs swung wildly while she ran. She looked completely ridiculous. The other two demons demanded that I answered which body part was more appealing. To do this, they wanted me to slap their breasts and asses while they did the same to me. I simply refused at first, but they said I wasn't going anywhere until I answered their question."

"Ha!" Iron Bull laughed. "They have _that_ in the Fade? Why did no one tell me that sooner?"

"Probably because Desire Demons would use sex to twist you and control you. It never ends well for the human." Cullen answered.

"That's what I was thinking too. But there wasn't really any other way to get out of there, so I started slapping. We must've looked completely ridiculous, with our breasts and asses bright cherry red. I was just about to tell them that asses were better just to shut them up, when the third demon returned. She started shouting something about 'sexy mud fight', and the ground turned into a pool of mud. She then crashed into the three of us and we found ourselves covered completely in mud. I'll admit I got taken out for a bit when one of them kneed me in the crotch, but when I came to I started knocking them around a bit. And the rabbits were on the side-lines in skirts and fluffy little balls in their paws. After a bit of this, I finally stood over the three of them in victory. You should've seen me. I had mud literally everywhere, including when they tried to shove some up my ass, and yet I was as proud as a returning champion. The barrier fell, and the demons all started speaking to each other strangely. Putting 'like' and 'totally' into their sentences and the weirdest of times. One of them handed me a large, floppy staff that I was pretty sure was actually a man's dick, but completely purple. I tried to leave the Fade, but nothing happened. Wondering if perhaps there was something I missed – or if the Templars had already killed me – I kept walking. And the rabbits followed me until I fell into a river, when they all jumped to cover me."

"What did you find after the river? There's a lot of nice things next to rivers. Unless they were of blood." Cole, a Spirit resembling a young man, asked her.

"A dozen Pride Demons. And like the lot before, they were acting strangely. They were all standing side by side, holding each other with their arms over their shoulders, and were dancing."

"No." They all exclaimed.

"Yes. They were wearing skirts and heels, and they were constantly kicking one leg out and hopping around. And they kept chanting if someone could 'do the can-can'. I couldn't stop myself from laughing."

"That couldn't have been good for your health. Pride Demons don't like being laughed at. It's right up there with saying they're ugly or calling them insane." Dorian warned her.

"I ran into a Sloth Demon, a Tainted Bear twice my size, holding onto about a dozen paper drinks. It was shaking like something was electrocuting it, and it just kept drinking the cups. And it spoke to me in an incredibly fast voice. Apparently, some weird shit had gotten into the Fade, spawning from this giant building called 'Vegas'. It made me a deal. If I could go in a destroy the heart of it, the Demons would let me leave unharmed and my Harrowing complete."

"And did you destroy it?" This was Blackwall again, watching her intently.

"Oh I did. It was so insane getting to it I don't even know how to explain it. At one point I _did_ run into a hallway where about a dozen people were chasing each other, and leaving through doors they shouldn't have even entered. One even came racing out in some kind of horseless carriage, and another in a bright yellow ship. After destroying the heart, I had to race out through this massive forest of cloth, barely able to see my hand in front of my face. As the building crumbled behind me, I found myself wearing the most hideous combination of clothing. I must've had at least a dozen items on each limb, including underneath my clothes. I could barely move until the rabbits came to ate it all."

"And did the demons keep their word?" Cole asked.

"They did. All they asked was that I destroy any more 'Vegas' I run into, no matter how big they were. But when I woke up in the Circle again, a wave of energy thundered after me."

"Oh, this'll be good." Varric noted.

"It was unbelievable. The men's robes bulged around the groin like they were swollen, while all the women were stretching the edges of their robes. The Templars dropped everything and danced, while cups of brown liquid rained down upon us. The floor was covered in mud, and several people slipped. Including me. As silence filled the room, I finally realised what I had forgotten."

"And it was…?" Cassandra asked.

Bethany had to take a few deep breaths, her face red with laughter and embarrassment. "I had been so nervous about my Harrowing, I had forgotten to but my knickers on."

"You didn't."

"I did. I flashed every templar in the room. They put me in the Ostwick Circle history book, which the First Enchanter kept under lock and key, and never spoke of it again." Everyone burst out into uncontrollable laughter.

"Not bad." Varric said between gasps of breath. "You don't mind if I steal that one, do you?"

"Well done." Dorian congratulated her.

"You should tell stories more often." Blackwall agreed.

"I liked the part with the rabbit. There should be more rabbits in stories." Cole added.

"That was scandalous." Josephine told her. "It would ruin the Inquisition if anyone found out." She smirked. "Tell it again."

**There we go. That's my version of the story. Something completely ridiculous, yet rather sexy at the same time. No wonder no one wanted to speak of it ever again. Hope you guys enjoyed that.**

**Merry Christmas.**


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